325 – Disappointment

I just don’t have it in me tonight everybody. We all go through highs and lows, and I’m going through a bit of a low right now – for reasons I don’t fully understand.

One reason is pretty clear: after another callback last week, the Book of Mormon dream appears to be dead. It was my first professional audition, so that sense of rejection is something I need to get used to, but I also worry that it may be my last professional audition. I just don’t really know what I’m doing when it comes to the business of show. At this point it feels like the only thing I’m capable of doing, but I just don’t know how to do it.

Is that the reason I feel so… Flat? That’s the best word I can think of to describe it. “Flat.” Kind of like a deflated balloon. And whenever I try to get re-inflated I get distracted. I have friends that are making strides and doing really well, and it seems like I’m expending all of my energy just treading water in the shallow end.

With self-esteem issues like that, is it any wonder that I’m worried I’ll be left behind. It’s starting to affect every aspect of my life; from the professional to the personal to this very blog. Uh-oh, looks like this is turning into another classic pity-party diary entry. I hate it when things end up here, but my general malaise just isn’t allowing for a Foxcatcher review right now; I hate being “that guy” on the internet, but not enough to actively avoid being “him.”

Maybe I just need to relax. I put in a full week of work (he said as if that deserves an award), and so this weekend ought to help. I need a distraction from my newfound disappointment, and if this weekend isn’t enough, well I have a few days off next week for Thanksgiving (I think we already know what I’m reviewing on Thursday). I’ll see some movies, get a little exercise, spend some time with the Primary Movie-Going Companion. I’m due for a high. I’ll patch up the holes in my balloon any minute now. Surely I’ll like the view better from up there.