012 – 71st Golden Globe Awards

Ahh the Golden Globes. All the glitz and glamor of the Oscars, but without any of the real meaning (though I certainly don’t mean to attribute much meaning to the Academy Awards either). This is really the opportunity for the Hollywood Foreign Press to give awards to their friends, which is why it’s so surprising that they actually nailed a few categories this year. Don’t worry though, they mostly got everything wrong.

Starting with almost every technical aspect of the show. The cameras, the music, the teleprompters – everything malfunctioned tonight. Luckily for the production team plenty of millionaire actors were on hand to pick up the slack. Oh. Never mind. The actors were all incapable of rolling with the punches. Special shout out to comedy superstar Jonah Hill, whose first instinct is to throw everyone under the bus. Nice one bro.

A couple ladies did step it up, though. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were as entertaining as could be expected. A good number of their jokes were really great, particularly their interactions with Julia Louis-Dreyfus. And only a couple jokes were pandering curiosities.

I was surprised by how many genuine moments there were over the course of the evening; some of the winners seemed legitimately surprised, while others seemed surprised that they hadn’t won earlier. Everyone was apparently really nervous, which seems ridiculous since this whole thing was a party none of the them had to pay for. The take-away from the night was: write a speech guys. Definitely don’t get on stage and say nothing for five minutes.

But just in case anyone got too out of sorts, Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick’s daughter was on hand to get flustered and fail to point them in the correct direction. But I can’t blame her. She was a symptom of the messy production I tuned in to see. It’s the errors that make the whole thing worth my time. Which is very valuable.

Let’s get to the main event: the winners and losers, presented in the same nonsense order the show chose to use. I’m going to try to make this take as long to read as the show did to watch.

Supporting actress in a motion picture – Jennifer Lawrence, American Hustle

It was clear from award one what a boner the HFPA has for David O. Russell’s latest film; and while Lawrence was really good, Lupita Nyong’o should have won. The foreigners got this one wrong.

Supporting actress in a series – Jacqueline Bisset, Dancing on the Edge

I haven’t seen this, so I have no idea if she deserves it or not. Though if her acceptance speech is any indication, she is an Andy Kaufman-level genius. The foreigners got this one don’t care.

Miniseries or television film – Behind the Candelabra

I haven’t seen it, but it’s won a bunch of awards already. It must be good! The foreigners goth this one one hundred percent correct.

Actress in a miniseries or television film – Elisabeth Moss, Top of the Lake

This is a series in my netflix queue that I just haven’t gotten to yet. Perhaps Moss’ win will push me over the edge. It’s about time she got some recognition. The foreigners got this one probably right.

Actor in a television drama – Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad

Who wasn’t expecting this? And Cranston definitely deserves it. I’m sure every other actor is breathing a sigh of relief that the man will no longer eligible next year. The foreigners got this one right.

Drama series – Breaking Bad

Also not a surprise. Well deserved. I will miss this show immensely. The foreigners got this one right.

Original score – Alex Ebert, All Is Lost

I can’t say Ebert’s score really struck me too hard when I watched All Is Lost, but it was worth giving the award to him for his tone poem of an acceptance speech. And his Diddy banter. The foreigners got this one entertaining.

Original song – U2’s “Ordinary Love,” Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom

This one was stuck in my head after the first time I saw the trailer. It might have been more entertaining to see Justin Timberlake and the Coen Brothers get onstage, but seeing The Edge in his classic beanie was great. The foreigners got this one whatever.

Supporting actor in a series – Jon Voight, Ray Donovan

I haven’t seen Ray Donovan, but this seems like one of those awards that Jon Voight won just because he is Jon Voight. I wonder if Aaron Paul would have won if he had been more of presence in the final season of Breaking Bad. The foreigners got this one wrong-ish.

Actress in a “comedy” film – Amy Adams, American Hustle

The HFPA continues to do the Hustle (puns!). Adams was great in the film, and while Julie Delpy is amazing in Before Midnight I won’t complain about how this one shook out. The foreigners got this one pretty good.

Actress in a drama series – Robin Wright, House of Cards

I haven’t seen House of Cards, either (It’s been a slow TV year for me), but people went crazy for it. They weren’t exactly throwing Ms. Wright’s name around, though. Tatiana Maslany is very impressive in Orphan Black and he deserves something for her hard work. The foreigners got this one wrong.

Supporting actor in a motion picture – Jared Leto, Dallas Buyers Club

I’ve been accused of being too hard on Leto’s performance (he does play at least one moment really well), but this one really should have gone to Fassbender, and it was the first sign of a rough night for 12 Years a Slave. An example of a physical transformation winning an award. The foreigners got this one wrong.

Motion picture screenplay – Spike Jonze, Her

Her was my favorite movie of the year and this was the only award it really seemed to have a chance at winning. Jonze’s script covers so many disparate ideas. I really hope this is an indicator for the Academy Awards because Jonze deserves one. The foreigners got this one so right.

Actor in a comedy series – Andy Samberg, Brooklyn Nine-Nine

This was a big surprise tonight. Samberg is one of the weaker parts of the show, but the competition wasn’t too tough. At least Jim Parsons didn’t win again. The foreigners got this one is anyone even reading this?

Foreign language film – The Great Beauty

I really wanted The Past to win, especially since it wasn’t on the Academy Awards shortlist, but I haven’t actually seen The Great Beauty yet. Who knows, it’s probably great. And beautiful. The foreigners got this one I don’t know.

Actor in a miniseries – Michael Douglas, Behind the Candelabra

Douglas is winning all over the place, so it’s probably deserved. This one probably made you think Chiwetel was definitely gonna win for 12 Years a Slave, right? Right!? The foreigners got this one whatever.

Animated feature film – Frozen

Sure, why not. It’s not great, but Frozen has a nice message. The foreigners got this one right.

Actress in a comedy series – Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation

This was a really pleasant surprise. Parks and Rec is closer to the end than it is to the beginning, so it’s nice to see Poehler garner some heat for portraying a great character. The foreigners got this one surprisingly correct.

Cecil B. DeMille Award – Woody Allen

How perfect is it that Woody couldn’t even be bothered to show up? I love that guy. Luckily his identical twin Diane Keaton was on hand to accept on his behalf.

Motion picture director – Alfonso Cuaron, Gravity

Gravity was the most technically impressive film on the list, so Cuaron’s win certainly makes sense. The film has picked up some hate in the wake of its release, so I’m glad it won something (aside from all the technical Oscars). The foreigners got this one right.

Comedy series – Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Wow. The HFPA really loves this show. Both of these wins were not what I expected. I’m happy for the show, as I think it is slowly improving, but it would have been nice to see Parks and Recreation pick this one up. The foreigners got this one weird.

Actor in a comedy film – Leonardo DiCaprio, The Wolf of Wall Street

Leo does some really great work in this film, so his win here is nice to see. The guy may never win that Academy Award he wants so badly, but he can also rest easy with this Golden Globe under his pillow. Huge bummer goes out to Oscar Isaac. The foreigners got this one fine.

Comedy film – American Hustle

American Hustle is not a bad movie, but Her, Inside Llewyn Davis, and The Wolf of Wall Street each would have been a better pick here. I’m sure it will encourage David O. Russell to continue making interesting films, but it was far from the most deserving. The foreigners got this one wrong.

Actress in a drama film – Cate Blanchett, Blue Jasmine

When I saw Bue Jasmine I called all of the other actresses in 2013 films and told them to pack it in for the year. I’m still waiting for any of them to call me back. The foreigners got this one right.

Actor in a drama film – Matthew McConaughey, Dallas Buyers Club

I’m a big McConaughead. I’ve been on board for a while now, while others are just starting to catch on. But the HFPA is so wrong about this one. McConaughey is really good in his role, but this was Chiwetel Ejiofor’s category. This was my concern – that his performance would seem so natural that it would be overlooked. Another snub for 12 Years a Slave. The foreigners got this one incredibly wrong.

Drama film – 12 Years a Slave

I guess you can’t really say that a movie that won best picture got snubbed, but come on. 12 Years a Slave soars on the backs of Ejiofor, Nyong’o, and Fassbender and it’s so frustrating that none of them won. At least the movie won. I’m sure director Steve McQueen will manage to find some way to be satisfied with making a movie that only won best motion picture. Sorry dude.

So that’s that. Very exhausting. If you read this whole thing you are a ridiculously polite human being. I thank you from the bottom of my barrel.