Nope, no big revelations from me today, I’ll leave that to the professionals. Yes my dear friends Chelsea “Lovely Indeed” and Ryan “Roundhouse Designs” Foy are expecting their first child around Thanksgiving or something. I don’t know. I was barely paying attention when they told me. But what I did pay attention to, was the fact that this news was a secret. That’s right, I was part of a select few Ryan and Chelsea told before today’s big announcement. Because I’m trustworthy. And I’m a great secret keeper.
The problem with writing about keeping secrets is that you cannot really prove that you’re good at it. It’s like saying that you would be really good at a zombie apocalypse – it’s meaningless. Or like talking about all the things you’re going to do in heaven (because there is no afterlife). But the difference is that secrets do exits, and one can be really good at keeping them. But only said keeper and the owner of the secrets he or she keeps will ever actually know.
In that sense, being a repository of clandestine information is the most altruistic and humble role one can undertake. Even between the two people who know the secret, it is not standard practice to discuss it. No one is going to respond well to the phrase, “Hey, you remember that bit of confidential news you confided in me? Let’s talk about it.” And the person who locks up their life inside your mind isn’t going to go shouting from the rooftops about how good you are at not spreading their business. So be aware, if you take on this burden – it will not be for the glory.
Until days like today, when the truth finally comes out. Hopefully you are not the reason that the news broke – in that case you cannot really brag about your mental lockbox, since your loose lips sank that ship and what-not. But, assuming you kept your mouth shut, now- now is your time to celebrate. Tell everyone you know that you knew the information before they did. Because you did, and they will probably be jealous.
That’s the real reason you took on this burden – to prove how great of a person you are compared to everyone else. Or at least to prove that others hold that perception of you. And sure, people will wonder why you care so much about your former status as a holder of secrets. They might even chastise you for bragging about such a low-level occurrence. But that’s not the point. In fact, none of the points that I have espoused thusfar have been the actual point. The real reason that we keep secrets is to create an accepting, nurturing world. If we comport ourselves honestly and lovingly, well goshdarnit there is nothing preventing us achieving utopia.
Besides, you know, global warming. We’ll tackle that next.
Steven Cohen's 365 Days of Reviews 