Are your social networking outlets causing you stress? Do you stay up at night wondering who you’ll have to passive-aggressively subtweet the next day? Or quietly fume on the toilet while looking a pictures of Donald Trump on Instagram? Or roll your eyes at yet another rant about how Obama wants to take our guns so his Muslim family can take over our country? Well first of all – what are you doing on Facebook? Don’t you know it’s all about Snapchat in 2016? But more to the point – put an end to your aimless concerns. You are the master of your social media destiny and happiness is attainable. It’s simply a matter of clicking “Unfriend.”
i photoshopped the guy in the middle’s face to protect his privacy
No one comes into this world of their own power. In fact, most of us are wrenched forth kicking and screaming through no fault of our own. Our biological parents are the true culprits – that man and woman who, often via passion and/or science, manage to create a life and then unleash it upon the world. In theory their end of this whole unfair bargain is that they take responsibility for us – raise us for about 18 years and then say “ta ta,” though it doesn’t always work out that way. Sometimes factors over which we have no control prevent our parents from taking on those classically-defined duties. Not for me, though. My parents are… very engaged.
gosh i hope Patrick Stewart isn’t next
I’m writing today to talk about race. That’s a daunting task for many reasons – the first is that while I am passionate about matters around social justice, I’m hardly an expert. I’m not well-read on the subject, I’ve never taken a class – but more than anything I am a white guy in his 20’s. Well, I’m Jewish, but generally that is the same thing in our modern society. I’ve never experienced real injustice and it would take a lot for me to truly understand the difficulties experienced by those who have. I can write all I want about these topics, but ultimately listening to me white-splain race is going to be at-best boring and possibly infuriating. So instead I’ll make fun of other white people who did it poorly.
i didn’t make this sweet graphic – wish i had, though
I considered publishing a review that solely consisted of the above, but my own artistic integrity prevents me from publishing something with such a low word count. Plus that’s not much of a review, though I’m sure my incredulity pops right off the screen.
I’ve heard so many horror stories about people dropping their phones in pools, lakes, the sink, etc., but the one that always baffles me is the idea of dropping one’s phone in the toilet. How does it even happen? I suppose a fair number of these accidents occur because people are drunk – that’s hardly a good excuse, but it happens, I suppose. What a demeaning situation to find yourself in, though. To now have to reach into the toilet (that you probably just used – and you know what I mean by “used”) and retrieve your surely-ruined expensive electronic device? Yuck. Might as well leave it there for the next person. And I would have been completely happy to walk through my life without ever being that guy. But – as I’m sure you can tell by the title of this review, I did unfortunately become “that guy” far sooner than I could have prepared for.
the incredible caption that came with this picture was “Multi-ethnic businesspeople sharing a car”
Do you ever wonder how you’re viewed by others? It’s a totally natural concern (I tell myself whenever it crosses my mind). We are a social species, and presentation and perception are integral concepts that come along with that. For instance, based on that last sentence (and every sentence I write) I clearly try to present myself as a smart person, while you probably perceive me as pompous and pretentious; we have to come to terms with the fact that we can’t control how others think about us. There are probably two people in the world who absolutely hate me, and only one of them has a real reason to. But there’s nothing I can do about that other person’s impression. Generally, though, I would imagine most people think I’m a good guy, even if I am kind of mean and don’t pull punches when I probably should. Is it possible to change the way you’re viewed? I suppose small deeds can add up to adjustments in others’ conceptions of you. Let’s give it a shot, huh?
Tomorrow I am leaving on a jetplane. I don’t know when I’ll be back again. Oh wait, yes I do. I’ll be back on Tuesday night. It is almost midnight and I haven’t started packing, so it looks like I have found yet another excuse for phoning in a review. You can’t blame me, I gotta get this done.